Apple Employee Found Dead on Apple Campus. Siri Brought in for Questioning
An Apple employee at the Cupertino, CA campus was found dead in a conference room yesterday. Investigators questioned employees who all gave possible reasons why the male employee might have died. One employee, who remained anonymous, stated that "sometimes our conference calls go on and on and on. Seriously. I almost died the other day in a product meeting. People start saying the same stuff after like an hour. It's torture." Another anonymous employee said "our stock price did go down by 13% last quarter because sales weren't very good. Maybe this was just a human sacrifice to appease the stock gods?"
Local police said this was "an isolated incident" and that they were investigating and "following up on all leads." One employee quipped, "maybe the NSA is sending a message. That if you don't work with them...you know... you get axed." Another employee said "this guy was just working so hard he once said 'This place is killing me!' and he looked real solemn after saying it. Like he wasn't joking."
Police have even questioned the artificial intelligence helper module, Siri, first asking it questions like "Does a centipede really have a 100 legs?" and "Did JayZ really cheat on Beyonce?" and then finally "Did you see any foul play in the conference room?" to which Siri responded: "no. yes. no."
The answers shocked investigators but they ultimately agreed with her after further deliberation and discussion. The lead detective said "We've come to the conclusion that there was no foul play at hand here and that the Apple Watch is totally lame."
Investigators promise to close the case and never look deeper than that.